Sperm donation is often seen as an act of kindness, especially when a friend donates sperm to enable a woman to have the baby she’s so keen to have, But what if, later on down the line, things change?
Exactly that happened to Steven
He donated sperm to his best friend Brenda, whom he’d known since they were kids, so that she could start a family with her wife. He told Pink News, “They wanted someone they trusted rather than a stranger and who’d be there when their child started to have questions about their donor”.
“I was honoured that they thought of me and agreed to do it. It felt good to help people I care about start their own family.”
Brenda gave birth to a baby girl her and her wife named her Lucy. Steven has a very close relationship with Lucy, saying, “Since she was born, I’ve always been present in her life and we have a great uncle/niece type relationship”.
Now, Lucy is six years old and Steven has been in a relationship with his girlfriend for the past three years
Things were going great, and in Steven’s words, “The three of us [Steven, Brenda and Brenda’s wife] have been happy with how things are and they’re glad I’m close with Lucy… while she knows I ‘helped’ build their family, I’m still Uncle Steven to her”.
However, at Lucy’s sixth birthday party, things started to change. Steven asked his girlfriend to come into one of the photos, but she declined. When they got home, his girlfriend told him that she “didn’t feel comfortable with him seeing Lucy anymore” as she “felt weird that he’d donated sperm and was playing a role in her life when other donors don’t do that”.
This was a shock to Steven, as she’d never said that before
There are two options for sperm donations – anonymous and known. Some families choose a known donor so that they can remain part of their biological child’s life, whilst others choose an anonymous donor that they have no contact with.
It ended in a “huge fight” when Steven said that he wasn’t prepared to stop seeing his “lifelong best friend and her daughter”.
Steven’s girlfriend argued that she felt it was “unfair that she has to share [Steven] with someone who’s not his legal responsibility”
The things got worse, with Steven saying, “At one point she asked if Brenda and I slept together and came up with this donor idea to cover the fact that I knocked her up, and that’s why I’m involved”.
“I get we were both angry but asking that was out of line. I told her I’ll never cut off my relationship with them and left our apartment.”
“To her, it’s unreasonable to choose a kid that’ll never truly be mine over her… I feel bad that she feels this way, but it seems like she’s not being fair either. It’s been rough and I don’t know who’s right or wrong.”
Steven took to Reddit to ask for help on the popular ‘Am I the A*shole’ forum and the consensus was pretty clear, with one poster urging Steven to “start running”.
Another said, “She’s asking him to choose? Why? Anyone who thinks you can only give attention and love to them and no one else is not worth your time”.
“A decent person would see your relationship with your friend, and your involvement with the kid, and think it was a good thing. They’d see a kind, caring person who stepped up for his friends.”
“But this gal sees it as competition. Not a good sign.”
“It’s not like he’s deciding that he doesn’t want kids just because he’s an uncle.”
“You need to have a talk with her and find out if she was having a tantrum or if she really expects you to punish an innocent six-year-old for existing.”
What do you think? Have you been in a similar situation? Would you like to share your story? We would love to hear from you at [email protected]
